Someone you're not. But if that's who you have to be for now, so be it.

With everyone home and leaving again soon, us girls have been spending a lot of time together recently.
But like Seok Yee said, "seems like this time we're all spending time together more than usual".
I feel it too, and I wonder why.
Probably because everyone's in a 'phase'.
But no complaints. Good company has never hurt.

Pictures are from Sid's a couple of weeks ago.

I like this one. =D

Plans tomorrow include breakfast and baking.
Fern baking? =O
We'll see how it goes. ;)

December has always been a crazy month of reunions.
It's always so good to meet up with people you have not seen in ages and catch up on what everyone's been up to.

I made a couple of plans for this month.
Mostly out of desperation to fool myself into life again.
Forced enthusiasm.
Maybe the results will genuinely excite me, eh?

I'm not afraid of what life has in store for me.
I'm afraid of myself and how I might treat what life decides to give me.

But you know, despite whining and being pathetic (in your words), I'll be okay.
Because this isn't going to define me.
It isn't going to be my life's story.
I refuse to let it be.

I keep forgetting, but I deserve better.
So yes, I will be okay.

New Year's resolutions are rolling in already.
I don't think I'll be making any this time.
Come what may. Though fingers crossed for a lot of peace this time around.

I've been spending a lot of time with the girls lately.
All I can say is this - thank you for your time, the ears and the beers (not that we drink that much, it just rhymes =P).
And thank you for not judging. Ever.

I'm not in the habit of making Christmas wishlists because it's not tradition for me to celebrate Christmas.
But I thought it might be nice to compile a list this year. Just for fun.
So here goes.


1.
Canon EOS 5D Mark II

While this isn't an entry level (or intermediate level for that matter) camera, I find myself with an unhealthy lust over this baby. I know I've always said that I don't much like the fact that new DSLRs now have live view modes and can capture videos (because then it feels as though it's just like any digital compact).
But you know what? Times change, things change. It's just like how some photographers maintain that Photoshop is evil. And anyway, in a couple of years, ALL DSLRs are going to have live view modes AND video capture features. So just embrace that change and all the good things that come with it, yes?
This camera takes beautiful videos by the way. Mmm.... so good.

On a side note, I collected my 400D from Canon today.
It is once again in perfect working condition. =D


2.
Starbucks' Toffee Nut Latte

I still haven't had the opportunity to stop by Starbucks and get myself one of their Toffee Nut Lattes. *curses*
And time is running out since they only have Toffee Nut Lattes once a year.
That's it. Operation 'Get-A-Toffee-Nut-Latte' is now on!
Unless someone would be so kind to run down to Starbucks for me? =D


3.
For my tailbone injury to 'uninjure'. -.-

A couple of weeks ago, I hurt my tailbone.
Apparently tailbone injuries are more common in females than males because our tailbones stick out more. Didcha know?
The point is, I hurt mine a couple of weeks ago and it was fine. Until a couple of days later when it started to bug me.
And it's STILL bugging me.
I can't sit for prolonged periods of time without it hurting like a bitch.
It's literally a pain in the arse.
And I get cranky when I can't sit. I mean, who doesn't?
I'm now beginning to wonder if maybe what I thought of as a 'minor injury' might be something bigger after all. =/
Apparently tailbones DO fracture.
Okay. I shall stop now. Because I'm scaring myself.
Let's just hope my coccyx (I've missed this word from Bio classes) stops hurting me soon. =D


So that's it.
My Christmas wishes for this year.
If I could have numbers 2 and 3, I'd be happy enough.
It don't take much to make me happy these days.
What's yours, hm?

Just out of curiousity, because I've never personally asked.
But how many of you guys actually follow PostSecret?

Frustrating much?

Everything has been breaking down these days.
I kid you not.

The phone started acting up the day before.
The car broke down yesterday.
Today it's the laptop.

Previously was the camera AND tripod. (Said camera is currently with Canon's HQ undergoing repair. Tripod is well... duct tape =D)
Recently was the second camera's memory card.

Since when did personal possessions start imitating what's happening in real life?

Can you say wtf? -.-

Boxed. Uproot.

The fantasy of packing up and leaving is something I indulge in more and more frequently these days.
New places, new things, new people.
Out with the old and in with the new, I say.

There is so much more out there, right?
There has to be.

I need to find reasons again.
And I don't believe I have reasons here anymore.

The scariest part is when you can see no reason to be.
When you no longer see a reason to be, it paves a way down a very dangerous path.

If only life allowed you to just pack up and leave when chapters are closed.

I love the fact that so many people I love are embarking or will soon be embarking on new things.
Changes for everyone these days.
And change is good.

But I need more.
Something entirely new.
Entirely alien.
Because right now familiar is what hurts most.

I see so many reasons to love life.
But none of those reasons belong to me.
And THAT, I think points to the crux of what things have become for me - that I have never felt so alone.
And for a girl who loves nothing but to spend time with herself many days, that is saying something.

I'm quite done with things here.
And I'm quite ready to go away and be someone else.

You told me your time is not available to me.
I tell myself not to forget that.



Satine: I'm gonna fly away from here. I'm gonna fly, fly away.

Coraline.
Those who know me would probably know I've never been a fan of animated movies.
But Coraline is one I quite enjoyed.
Actually, I think the only types of animation I can take are the Tim Burton-esque types.
If you haven't watched this one, you might want to consider it.
Though I have to say, the character 'The Other Mother' did freak me out a little bit.

While Googling up the details of the movie, I came across a review comparing Coraline to Pan's Labyrinth.
A lightbulb lit up in my head.
It was a sort of 'ahh..' moment, because now I know why the garden scene in Coraline felt so familiar.
It reminded me of the maze in Pan's Labyrinth.
The two movies seem to be variations of the same theme, with Pan's Labyrinth being darker and more morbid.
And I did find Pan's Labyrinth disturbing as well in certain parts. =/

Save the games and the tricks up your sleeve, you've flavoured everything with a bitter aftertaste

The past few weeks I've been better, and moving along was not quite as hard as it once was.
But I suppose they were right when they say the road to recovery is not always smooth.

Slightly more than a year and a half at this has probably made people (especially people I've met during that one and a half years) think that this is who I am.
Melancholic, depressing, always off.
I don't blame them. Living and struggling with something on a day to day basis makes it you.
So yes, for the past 18 months or so this is who I've been.
I don't apologize.
It may not be the best version of me, but I don't apologize for it.

It's a funny thing, tracking the way you feel.
It's a funny thing, seeing how emotions change and evolve across time.

A couple of months back, I was defeated, empty, full of hope, and yet so hopeless at the same time.
Now... well now I'm just angry most of the time. Angry and bitter.

There used to be a time when I'd try to be all saintly and tell myself that life is not something you should be angry with.
Because I am in no position to blame life for anything.

These days, I say screw it.
I'm angry. And why should I lie to myself about it?

After all, life played games with me.
Maybe for a valid reason, but then again, maybe just for its own sick pleasure.
Why?
Why show me something so perfect and then keep it so much out of reach?
Why taunt me? Torture me?

Maybe somewhere in the back of my head I realise this is all coming out sounding immature.
I couldn't care less.
I'm sick and tired trying to be an adult about it, trying to be stronger, trying to do the right thing.
Heck, I'm sick and tired with trying to FEEL the right thing.

Stop telling me I'm stronger than this.
It's mindless bullshit.
People only tell you the "you're strong" crap because everything else is going well for them.
Because when you're happy with life, it's easy for you to think "why the fuck can't she let this go?"

I'm 20. Not any older.
Just for now, I want to be a child.
Just for now, I want to be angry.
Because everything has been so unfair. So so so unfair.

If perfection was what I could never have had, then maybe I'd rather never have known it.
Because having to live with the 'what ifs' is just plain fucked up.

I was there every step of the way giving and giving until I had nothing left to myself.
I gave everything so someone else could have it.
I gave up every single damned thing so I could see someone else live it.

Now tell me which part of this is even remotely fair?
Only a child could have dreamt the way I did.
Well, maybe you will be happy to hear this.
I no longer dream like a child.

But at the end of the day, regardless what's happening in your world, the rest of the world still moves on.
Everything goes on as usual.
People are still happy and content.
Even if you are not.

Life may have stopped for you.
But it hasn't for everyone else.

People don't stop for you.
Not when everything is happening for them.

You stand alone at the end of the day.
Amidst all the good intentions and empty promises.

So yes, I am angry.
I'm mad fucking pissed.

I don't want lessons that will make me stronger (frankly, I hate that cliche because it's total bullshit).
I don't want to learn the bigger meaning in people and relationships and everything else that encompasses life.

I just want to be one of those shallow people who have nothing else better to do than to gossip their life away and think of what colour their hair should be next.

I'm tired.
And I'm pissed.

And no, I don't want to hear of how happy people are and listen to happy songs on the radio.

Bitter. Bitter.

I have no words left to describe how bitter everything seems these days.

My mistake was in giving myself to a lost cause.
My mistake was in giving myself to the wrong thing, for all the wrong reasons.

I gave you me.
Everything I ever gave, I want it back.
I want it back and I want it back.
I gave everything you never wanted.
So stop keeping it, fuck it.
If you never wanted it, stop keeping it.
If you don't know how to give it back, tell me how I can take it back.
I just want her back. Me.
She was never yours. So technically, she was just on loan.
Please, give her back.

I'll say this is all my fault.
And you never had any part to do with any of this.
If only you will give me back.

A different colour

I found an interesting list on Sash's blog.
Apparently, it's a list of 50 recommended books to read before you die.
Hmm...

I'll highlight the ones I've read in bold.

1. The Lord of the Rings Trilogy by J. R. R. Tolkien
2. 1984 by George Orwell
3. Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen
4. The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck
5. To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
6. Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte
7. Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte
8. A Passage to India by E. M. Forster
9. The Lord of the Flies by William Golding
10. Hamlet by William Shakespeare
11. A Bend in the River by V. S. Naipaul
12. The Great Gatsby by Scott Fitzgerald
13. The Catcher in the Rye by J. D. Salinger
14. The Bell Jar by Sylvie Plath
15. Brave new World by Aldous Huxley
16. The Diary of Anne Frank by Anne Frank
17. Don Quixote by Miduel de Cervantes
18. The Bible by Various
19. The Canterbury Tales by Geoffrey Chaucer
20. Ulysses by James Joyce
21. The quiet American by Graham Greene
22. Birdsong by Sebastian Faulke
23. Money by Martin Amis
24. Harry Potter Series by J. K. Rowling
25. Moby Dick by Herman Melville
26. The Wind in the Willows by Kenneth Grahame
27. His Dark Materials Trilogy by Philip Pullman
28. Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy
29. Alice´s Adventures in Wonderland by Lewis Caroll
30. Rebecca by Daphne du Maurier
31. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time by Mark Haddon
32. On the Road by Jack Kerouac
33. Heart of Darkness by Joseph Conrad
34. The way we live now by Antony Trollope
35. The Outsider by Albert Camus
36. The colour Purple by Alice Walker
37. Life of Pi by Yann Martel
38. Frankenstein by Mary Selley
39. The War of the Worlds by H. G. Wells
40. Man without Woman by Ernest Hemingway
41. Gulliver´s Travels by Jonathan Swift
42. A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens
43. Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain
44. Robinson Crusoe by Daniel Dafoe
45. One flew over the Cockoo´s Nest by Ken Kesey
46. Catch 22 by Joseph Heller
47. The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas
48. Memoirs of a Geisha by Arthur Golden
49. The Divine Comedy by Alighieri Dante
50. The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde

In all honesty, I wouldn't suggest you try and start a conversation with me on those books. Because most of them I read when I was very much younger, and hence can now hardly remember what they were about.
I read To Kill A Mockingbird when I was 12. Don't ask me what I was doing reading a book like that back then. I hardly think I comprehended whatever nuances the book had, the way I imagine you're supposed to with all forms of literature.
The most recent I've read on this list is probably Wuthering Heights, which was last year.
This list did make me think though... I read way more as a kid then I do now.
What happened?
Laziness and all other things that cloud your mind as you grow up, I suppose.
I cannot believe I've never read Alice in Wonderland. =/
A couple on the list I've been attempting recently, though.
Like The Lord of The Rings, Pride and Prejudice and Anna Karenina.
I suppose I really should get more serious about completing them.
And while I'm at it, I do intend to reread To Kill A Mockingbird and Life of Pi. =)

Also from Sashikle's blog,

Lollipops turn into cigarettes. The innocent ones turn into sluts. Homework goes in the trash. Mobile phones are being used in class. Detention becomes suspension. Soda becomes vodka. Bikes become cars. Kisses turn into sex. Remember when getting high meant swinging on the playground? When protection meant wearing a helmet? When the worst things you could get from boys were cooties? Dad’s shoulders were the highest place on earth and mum was your hero? Your worst enemies were your siblings. Race issues were about who ran the fastest. War was only a card game. And the only drug you knew was cough medicine. When wearing a skirt didn’t make you a slut. The most pain you felt was when you skinned your knees, and goodbyes only meant until tomorrow? And we couldn't wait to grow up.

Indeed, where are the days when skinned knees were the only things that hurt most?
I don't know if I would want to go back to being a child though. You don't appreciate the beauty of being a child when you're a child. You don't appreciate innocence when you're innocent.
But on the other hand, having your eyes opened to some things in the world also makes you wonder if maybe ignorance is better after all.

I feel old. Tired. Worn.
What's left of the girl who is able to still see magic, I'm trying so hard to hold on to her.
Reality can be so cold. It colours the world different after you've seen it.

Pick, pick, pick & grab, grab, grab

Hello all! =D
Most of you probably already know, but if you don't, well I'm asking you to make a date with me NOW for this Saturday (28 November).
I'm taking my shop offline for one day. XD
Jill and Seok Yee will be there with me as well selling off some of their second hand stuff.
Trust me, half of these stuff have probably never been worn.
So stop by, yes? =D

Date: 28 November 2009
Time: 10 a.m. - 5 p.m.
Place: Hartamas Square, Sri Hartamas (food court)


We are very excited! XD